Tag Archives: humor

All the Single Ladies!

Michael and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary in less than a month.  Though, it’s had its ups and downs aplenty, we are looking forward to the years our children will be gone so we can be all alone in the house.  I will be 40 when our youngest goes off to college.  And 40 is the new 20, so store up your energy, honey!

He is a great husband and father.  He has planned many nights out that are all for me.  He’s even planning to go with me to see the new love of my fantasy life on the big screen, and indulges my obsession often.

He has been involved with taking care of the kids from day one:  changing diapers without question, doing laundry while I napped, taking over bedtime at toddler hood.  He understands my need to get away and often encourages it.  Probably for those moments when I’m acting like the Dragon Lady and he wants me out of the house.

Being happily married (most days), I feel especially qualified to educate those less fortunate than myself.  I would like to offer brief and to the point advice on how to find the right man.  No twelve-step, self-help book required.

Let’s play a game…my own version of the Hot/Cold game.  You remember it, right?!  When you’re getting closer to what you’re searching for, you’re getting warmer.  But when you stray farther from it, you’re cold.  Ready?

  • If your man can do laundry and cook, then you’re really warm.  If he thinks the washer and dryer are for storage of car parts and the kitchen is for stocking beer and Cheetos, then you’re very cold.
  • If a night out consists of your favorite restaurant, the newest Rom-Com at the theater and a visit to the local coffee shop to talk about the future:  you’re hot.  But if his idea of a night out consists of you cooking for and cleaning up after him and his buddies while they watch sports or play Call of Duty 12:  icicles are beginning to form.
  • If he thinks it’s a no-brainer (as in “Duh!”) that he would stay home–with the kids you’ll someday have–so you can get some much needed “me” time:  you’re smoking girl, call the fire department and then go book the church.  However, if you’re talking about the need for “me” time and the roles you’ll share in parenting and he’s looking at you like you just tried to explain quantum physics:  seek medical attention for hypothermia.

These are conversations you should have (not necessarily on the first date) and qualities you should be looking out for long before you say, “Yes” to a proposal and especially before “I do.”

Otherwise, you’ll find yourself 10 years later with three screaming kids (one on your hip, two attached to each leg) looking at your husband expectantly for help, while he stares back and says, “Since you’re up, will you get me a drink?”

This is usually when the wife contemplates homicide running off with Rob Pattinson.  It’s best not to let it get this far.

Disclaimer:  please consult your girlfriends before doing anything drastic like leaving a man who has great potential or running off with the bum because you foolishly believe (while batting your eyelashes and sighing) “he’ll change once we get married.”


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